The Bleeding
by WaywardScribe
Summary: Niko's POV. Niko and Cal both struggle with his return after Tumulus. Angst/HC. Warning: mentions of attempted suicide.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **The Bleeding

**Warning**: Implied attempted suicide and high levels of angst. Do not read if this is a sensitive area for you. Originally posted with an M rating but there's nothing sexual so I've re-posted at a T with this strong warning. Not a death-fic.

**Disclaimer**: All characters are the property of the awesome Rob Thurman, just playing with them and shall return after some Angst, H/C.

**Timeline**: Set approx a week after Cal's return from Grendel hell, so best if you have at least read Nightlife.

**POV**: Niko's

**A/N** - I have personal experience of some of the darker themes I bring up in this work and I have written this partly in honour, and in memory, of a good friend of mine I lost last year, who I wish I could have been more of a Niko to when she needed me. I hope you know I will love you always and this is for you, put out there in the world, bold, unashamed and forever, like your wonderful self.

This was also partly inspired by two VERY different songs, _The Bleeding_ by Five Finger Death Punch and _Furious Angels_ by Rob Dougan. The first I can see Cal playing in his room or whilst sparring with Nik to hide the noise! The second, just an awesome song from one of my fave albums ever. There's also a very teeny weeny nod to one of my favourite scenes in an awesome tv show in here which some of you may or may not get..

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"…you can't go now, cause love, like an invisible bullet has shot me down and I'm bleeding - yeah, I'm bleeding - And if you go, furious angels will bring you back to me…Cause love, like a blow to the head, has left me stunned and I'm reeling - yeah, I'm reeling, and if you go, furious angels will bring you back to me"

Rob Dougan, _Furious Angels_.

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I took just a moment to myself as I came to full consciousness. Lying on my side, I watched the heavy rain gliding down the full length window through the gap in the blinds. The day had dawned, barely. You'd hardly know it from the dreariness, only the green blinking of the ancient digital clock beside me confirmed it.

The cold radiated from the glass, sucking what little heat there was from the small room. It was the kind of day you took a moment to yourself when you woke. The kind of day many would call it then and there and just pull up the covers, roll over and go back to sleep. That wasn't me though. And for me, it was never an option. Certainly not now.

I was already running through my katas in my head when a noise from inside the room had me turning onto my back and a sick dread settling in my stomach as heavy and as dark as the day. The moment I had taken was too long.

He'd been back only a week. A week back from hell. Unimaginable Grendel hell. My brother. My Cal.

I sat up quickly. His shadowy form was sillhoutted against the stark bathroom strip light, his longer than I remembered hair draping, limp around his face, his thin body so much taller.

There was blood dripping from his right hand. His blood. His left hand clutched a knife in a white knuckle grip. I knew instantly. I knew instantly what he'd done. My brother. My Cal.

For a split second nothing happened. I couldn't move and he just looked up at me. The worst, most pained expression I have seen in my life. His words spurred me back into the world.

"Wrong" he rasped, barely forming the word, tears in his red rimmed eyes.

I was in front of him. Careful. Quick, yet slow…smooth, so as not to startle him. Already berating myself. I never thought...

"Cal" I said softly, "Cal, give me the knife"

He didn't have to. His eyes reached me again, the look pulling into my soul, tugging and twisting till I felt his pain as real as my own. He was my Cal, and yet right now he was so far from my Cal, my own eyes burned. The knife clattered to the floor as he fell forward into my arms, barely a feather of a weight.

"..my god Cal, no" I whispered, easing us both to the floor. I grabbed his arm, the wound looked deep but it was hard to tell with blood everywhere. As I lay him down I immediately scrambled back up to the bathroom, grabbing all the towels I could find to stem the red spreading across the worn motel carpet. My heart was thumping, threatening to tear itself out of my chest with every beat. I could hear nothing else.

"no Cal" I mumbled over and over, "no, no, no, don't you do this to me, not now"

I pulled him up against me, his clammy, pale skin against mine. I dabbed and then bound the towels as tightly as I could against the cut. My hands were shaking. It wasn't that bad. I told myself. It wasn't that bad...

I took a shaky deep breath. I might have forgotten to breathe till now. I had to keep control.

He was still unconscious as I pulled his head closer to me, pulling back his hair from his gaunt face. This was the first time I'd been close to him since the night of his return. His pulse was fast, fast but strong. Thank god. I slipped my arms under him and lifted him up with ease, placing him gently on the bed, and pulling him up close to me again, just for a moment.

I should never have let him out of reach. Even under the bed seemed like too far now. Much too far. Damn it! I cursed. I should have seen this. I should have stopped this. I should have stopped all of this. I should have stopped them. They took my Cal and they gave me back this, this shell! This hollow, pained and broken shell. Anger coursed through me, at them, at myself.

"I'm so sorry Cal, I should have been there. I'm so sorry" I meant _then_. I meant right_ now_. How the hell did I miss this? How did he hide this from me?

He stirred against me with a light groan.

"Cal? Cal, its ok, I'm here, I'm here" Another groan.

"Cal, please wake up, ok?" my voice betrayed me, cracked and full of built-up emotions I could handle no longer.

"I need you little brother, I just got you back.." I mumbled into his hair.

He'd barely spoken since his return. And by barely I mean, not even a sentence. I found that one of the hardest things. The silence. The silence and all it held, everything it _said_. Everything it wordlessly screamed at me. My brothers pain and my failure to protect him. He had returned to me and now I had failed him again.

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	2. Chapter 2

I bound his arm as best I could, using almost every bandage I had. I needed to buy supplies. I couldn't go out, but I needed to buy supplies.

He was asleep now. Not conscious. He would never voluntarily sleep on the top of the bed or have let me touch him. I'd covered him lightly, partly with the rough motel bed spread and partly with my hooded top, softer for where his bare chest was exposed. It was the best I could do. I was terrified if I had moved him more he would have woken, distressed and disoriented.

I sat on the edge of the bed, careful not to touch him again. It was so strange. Before, we were always tactile, it's just the way we were, how we had both survived Sofia, reassurance from each other we_ were_ surviving. I'd also made sure Cal was independent though. As strong as he could be in all forms from an early age.

No, that was wrong…Life had made Cal strong - Cal had made Cal strong. He had to be to survive Sofia, we both did. He had a will that not even the Grendel would break. I knew it as sure as I knew the sun would rise.

I may have made sure he was independent, but Cal had always made sure he let me that know that _he_ knew exactly what I was doing and why. That he knew I did what I did for him, and him alone. Sometimes that was just a lop-sided grin, sometimes it was letting me pick him up when he was probably too old for it, sometimes it was hugging me back when he'd arrived back from somewhere unavoidably late and scared the shit out of me. Which had luckily not happened more than two occasions - seared into my brain for all eternity.

I leaned to pick what was probably the last bandage we had, from the floor where it lay unravelled. I began rolling the coarse crepe slowly between my fingers, sure to line up the edges. It was quiet, except for the repetitive creak of the old heating system from the radiator against the wall and Cal's breathing, unnervingly raspy, but at least steady, his arm now well wrapped and the bleeding stemmed.

I turned to look at him. I wanted so badly to just take his hand, or rest mine upon his shoulder, but I dared not. There was something new etched across his face, behind the gaunt features. Pain. I knew that in my soul, like I knew it was in his, a plague of pain had taken him. A deep pain I feared I couldn't quell, couldn't chase away this time. Could I really fix this? Could I bring him back to me - all the way back? Would he ever be back? Ever be the same? No. He'd never be the same. I didn't need the same. I just needed my brother.

I placed the bandage on the nightstand, tearing my eyes away from his sleeping form. I let my head fall into my hands, propped up on my knees. Could I do this? Was I strong enough for us both? I took my own deep, shuddering breath. I wasn't prepared. I couldn't do this. Alone. I wasn't enough, was I? I felt the room start to spin, starting to close in on me.

I felt sobs start to rack my own exhausted form. I couldn't do this. Any of this. I knew I had to. I knew I had to hold it together but I had never felt less together or less in control than in that moment, except when he was taken, when I saw that swirling mass of silver close behind him. I felt a failure. I had already failed him. Broken the promise I had made to myself as a mere toddler. The silent promise I had made to him, not only myself. To love, to care, to protect.

I'd never really told him how deeply I felt. He was my responsibility, I would never have burdened him with my thoughts, on my own choices, and how much they had become such an integral part of me. Of how he had become such an integral part of who _I_ was. I don't think I had ever truly understood it myself, not until he was taken. I'm not sure I understood it now, but there were things you just knew, in your soul, and how I felt about Cal was just that.

I'd hoped he knew. I'd hoped I had shown him enough love and affection to show him - even if perhaps I had not voiced it directly. I had tried my best to over-ride the hatred and filth that came from our mother's mouth every day. To calm the burn of her actions on his young body, to take some of the sting from her wicked words. But I realised in that moment that perhaps he did not know. Perhaps he did not realise just what I would do for him, to keep him safe. To bring him back from the darkness that threatened to take him forever, whether in this world or another.

Perhaps he did not know what I would have given to have followed him into that abyss, just what I would have given up without hesitation to spare him from the pain. To bare it for him. I would take any pain for him.

I was becoming consumed by my thoughts. A whirlpool of self-pity but I could not stop the sobs, as hard as I tried to contain them. I slipped from the bed to the floor, trying to pull back my control. As I swiped at my eyes I glanced to my left to see beautiful grey eyes watching me, carefully. He was awake.

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	3. Chapter 3

For a long moment we just looked at each other. A long moment.

He had rolled quietly onto his side to face me, his head resting on his good arm, the other lay on the bed between us. My eyes were drawn to the bandaged limb and I almost cracked again. What was wrong with me. I was not the one who had just returned from Grendel hell. Why couldn't I pull it together? He didn't need to see me like this, not now, not when he needed me at my best.

I looked back up to him. He was calm. Really calm (and on top of the bed) I hadn't seen him like this. More worrying was that I couldn't read his expression. Not really. Not like I usually could. And that scared the shit out of me more than what had just happened.

"Cal" I croaked, quietly, unable to hold his gaze all of a sudden.

"Cal, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I couldn't stop them" I swallowed and continued quickly, aware of his gaze on me.

"'m wrong" he whispered back to me, as though he was telling me a secret.

"I'm wrong here, don't belong, Nik" His voice was strange, rough, but the use of my name, finally, that simple word made my breath catch in my throat.

I slowly pulled myself up to sit again on the side of the bed, wincing as I noticed him withdraw from me slightly across the bed.

"listen to me Cal, and listen to me closely" I made sure he was looking at me, still careful not to touch him.

"don't you ever say that, or think that, EVER, do you hear me?" I didn't raise my voice, that I was careful about.

"don't you let them ever make you believe that there is anything wrong or not right about you, the only thing wrong is them, that they took you at all, that they even exist" He looked away, unable to keep eye contact with me. God I wished I could just grab him and shake him, make him understand me!

I shifted my weight, determined, willing him till he looked at me again.

"You must never think like that Cal. Never. Don't let them win, don't let them have made you believe that." I tried so hard to keep my voice controlled and firm, but not scare him.

"I won't let you, you hear me? I won't let you think like that" I looked away now, barely able to hold off my emotions, again I felt that tearing at my stomach, fighting to overwhelm me.

He'd turned his head into the pillow, away from me. I felt like I was losing. I was losing. Losing him to the darkness, to that abyss all over again, yet he was here in front of me. I swallowed thickly, running my hands through my hair I had not pulled back yet.

"Please Cal" I whispered after a long moment of silence.

"Please"

I never asked him for anything, not like this. I never said please, not like this - but this was different, this was…something I couldn't imagine not getting.

"Stay with me Cal, please stay with me"

He turned to look at me again, slowly, as though he was trapped in molasses, detached from his body.

"Don't you leave me, ok? I can't…" my voice broke but I continued. I needed him to hear this. Maybe it wouldn't help, maybe it wouldn't make one damn bit ofdifference, but I had to try. I had to try everything, and he needed to know - everything. This was not the time for leaving things unsaid or open to interpretation.

He was looking at me again, those eyes horribly unreadable…He was silent, his face expressionless.

"I promised myself a long time ago, when I first held you in that white hospital blanket..I promised you, I promised I would always look after you, I would always keep you safe, I would do everything in my power…and I failed you..more than once now"

I felt the bed shift as he moved to prop himself up slightly. At least I knew he was listening to me. I continued, now it was me who was unable to look at him for long.

"I broke my promise…you never knew I made it, but I broke it and..and I'm so goddamn sorry, but, that's not the point, not now, I just, I just need you to know.." I shifted my own weight and looked at him straight.

"I love you Cal. I've loved you since I held your tiny little form in my arms…I would die for you. In a second. Always. You give my life purpose. You make me want to wake up, to get up, every morning, you make me want to be better, every day" I took a breath, but I couldn't stop now,

"when you were gone..I couldn't think, I could barely breathe…I need you little brother, I need you to be here with me, to stay with me. Please don't you leave me alone in this world without you, I can't deal with that, not now, not ever."

"I hoped that you knew, but I needed to say it, I need you to_ know_ - to know that if you go, if you leave me now, you will break me, ok?" I knew I was crying now. I also knew I'd never let Cal see me like this before, so..weak. I didn't know what else to do, to say.

"I know its selfish. I'm selfish and I don't care ok? All I care about is you. You being alive and ok, and here with me" I was probably scaring him by now. I knew it and I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop my tears, like a cry-baby a selfish cry-baby.

"You're not wrong. You're so far from wrong you have no idea. You have so much light in you. So much good and capacity for good, and, I just want you to see what I do, and if you can't see it now then, then just believe me for now, ok? Until you do. Trust me, until then, please? I promise you now that I will never let them take you again and I will never leave you again. I will never leave you, do you understand?"

I knew my voice was raised now, but I needed him to hear me, to really hear me. I thought again about reaching out for him but at the last second thought better of it.

I let my head fall back into my hands again, struggling to control…everything. It was silent. Totally silent. I had to say it. He had to know. I wanted so badly for him to hear me, to believe me, but I feared it was too little too late and I couldn't bring him back. I had nothing else to give.

I had nothing else to give him but _everything_, every part of me. Perhaps that was still not enough.

It was a moment later when I realised he was still watching me, I was almost afraid to look at him, but I sensed something was different. I kept my head in my hands but suddenly cold fingers were laid across my shoulder. I jumped slightly, regretting the involuntary movement immediately. I quicky turned and caught his eye. Something was different.

He said nothing, only stared at me again, but then only seconds later I had an armful of my little brother. My everything. It was glorious. I held onto him as though my life depended on it. It did. I pulled him close and buried my head in his shoulder, breathing him in, my sobs returning to rack both our bodies as we clung to each other, as if to life itself.

I don't know how long it was that we stayed like that, but it was a long time. I knew this was only the beginning of a very long road, the first step of so many, but it was a step I had feared neither of us could take. I guess we just couldn't take it without each other.

"I love you so much" I mumbled into his still damp black hair. I didn't expect a reply. I didn't need a reply, but the one I got was all I needed.

"Nik, I promise"

The End

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A/N - Well I hope you liked it, please, please review if you did! A little more angsty than my last story but I felt for a while I wanted to write something pretty heavy that defined exactly _when_ the brothers promised to each other they would never 'leave' each other. I hope you liked my take on that! Hopefully I'll be back again soon with something with some more action again - when I get some free time! Reviews will speed up the process I'm sure..! WS


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